Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Guest Writer #1 - The Chicken Story

This story comes from a friend of mine. I swear I didn't do this. This is a good example of when one mistake gets compounded by a series of poor decisions...
***WARNING***NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART***
It has taken me almost a year to come to terms that that excruciating, nasty night. This is the 100% true and accurate account of The Garbage Can Story.
The door on our deep freeze was left open and all of the meat inside was rotten. It was mostly chicken, lots of chicken. My wife put the chicken in the garbage can the day after garbage day during the hottest part of summer. I was unaware of this and we went camping. When we came home the front of our house smelled so foul. Apparently one of the neighbors had noticed the stench and investigated because the lid to the garbage can was left open. The smell was so bad that I almost threw up trying to look inside of the can. The garbage can was full of flies. It was far too disgusting to clean up. The only thing that we could do was to wait for garbage day.
Garbage day finally came. I was relieved that we would finally be rid of the nasty, rotten chicken smell. When I got home from work the garbage can had been emptied, but the smell was still horrific. A Lysol commercial came to mind – killing 99.99% of the bacteria should do it. I ran to the store and bought two huge cans of Lysol. When I got home I opened the lid to the garbage can and started throwing up. I wrapped a t-shirt over my nose and mouth and finally could get close enough to spray inside the garbage can. I blew through both cans of Lysol. As I sprayed maggots fell off of the sides of the can. The can was covered in nasty chicken slime and maggots with inches of chicken slime in the bottom. I started throwing up and went inside. I threw up for 30 minutes. It was so disgusting.I went back outside and to my dismay the smell was even worse. I can’t explain it but the Lysol mixed with the nasty, rotten chicken was unbelievably disgusting. To this day, I can’t spray Lysol…
I went inside and told my wife that I was out of ideas. We brainstormed chemicals and decided to fill the garbage can with water and pour an entire bottle of bleach into it. That would kill the maggots, chicken slime, and hopefully the smell. Believe it or not our plan worked. Our front yard returned to normal. The nasty smell only lingered within about ten feet of the garbage can. I was embarrassed about what the neighbors thought after the stench from our yard and my only concern was dumping out the nasty chicken water.
I got home one night after a game night with the guys at about 4:00 AM. I noticed the garbage can as I was driving up the driveway and decided that it was the perfect time to empty it. My neighbors would be asleep at 4:00 AM. Our driveway was pretty steep. I knew that the garbage can full of water would be heavy but I had been going to the gym every day and I could handle it no problem.I started walking backwards down the hill with the garbage can above me.
Thinking back on this reminds me of my high school AP Physics teacher, Mr. Jackson, asking why I was so stupid compared to my genius brothers. I passed the AP test and showed him… As I started down the hill I was surprised by the momentum of the full garbage can. It took all of my strength to back down the hill. When I hit the steepest part of the driveway I began to pick up some pretty good speed. Water began to slosh out of the garbage can. For a split second I thought I was going to lose control. Then as I picked up speed I knew that if I ran backwards that I had the strength to keep the garbage can up and make it to the bottom.We shared a driveway entrance with our neighbors. They put a sealant on their driveway and the bottom few feet of our driveway. The sealant becomes like ice when it gets wet.
One instant I knew that I was going to make it to the bottom of the driveway. My feet hit the sloshed water on the sealed driveway. It was like someone pulled my ankles out from under me. The entire weight of the garbage can, full of water, slammed me to the ground. My knees crushed into the ground first. Then my elbows smashed into the ground. As the full garbage can hit the ground my hands and fingers were smashed with excruciating pain. It was like I was body slammed with hundreds of pounds of force. I vividly remember thinking that it was by far the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I had no idea how wrong I was.
The nasty, maggot, rotten chicken slime, Lysol, bleach water began to pour out of the garbage can. The nasty water went onto my hair, in my ears, and into my mouth. The nasty maggots and chicken slime that had made me throw up for 30 minutes only days earlier now poured over my entire body. I was pinned by the weight of the full garbage can, helpless. It was so disgusting, my clothes and hair were completely saturated with the nasty chicken bleach water. I was in excruciating pain. Then I got mad.
I threw the garbage can up the driveway and tore off my nasty, saturated clothes, screaming obscenities. I limped, completely naked, up the driveway and stormed inside. I gargled a whole bottle of Listerine – the taste would not go away. I showered for an hour, washing my hair 15 times. The smell would not go away. I disinfected my wounds fearing a strange rotten chicken disease. At 6:00 AM I gave up and went to bed.I washed my clothes 10 times, they still smelled nasty. I threw them away. My shoes smelled from 30 feet away. I threw them away. I didn’t take the garbage out for months. My hands, elbows, and knees broke out in a strange blistering eczema. My doctor wanted to know if I had been exposed to anything different, a new laundry detergent perhaps… I couldn’t tell him. I still struggle to eat chicken. Writing this story makes me want to throw up and take a shower. I hope that you have enjoyed my moment of excruciating misery.
There you have it...and if the door of your deep freeze is ever left open, do yourself a favor and plug it back in, put "quarantine" tape on it, re-freeze everything, then the night before garbage day, carefully load everything into the garbage can and wish it well in the landfill.