This week’s episode gives us a little insight into my sister-in-law…my wife’s older sister. She’s the one who doesn’t know how much a stamp costs. She has a long and troubled past. We’ll get into a lot more details later. She’s in and out of jobs, and can’t seem to get along with anyone long enough to start into anything even remotely resembling a career. She is also the one who quit her job at Lonestar in dramatic fashion.
I know her the best, so I seem to have more stories. One day, we were at some kind of family function and she cornered me in the kitchen, alone, and asked me for a loan (that sounded weird…alone…a loan…anyway). Most of my career has been spent working at a bank, so, usually when someone asks me for a loan, my brain automatically kicks into banking mode, and I start in with my questions, so here's how it went. Sister-in-law asked me for a loan. Okay. Question #1: How much do you need? Answer: About $3,000. Question #2. What's the collateral [ie - What do I get to take away from you when you don't pay me back?]. Answer: I really don't have any collateral. Alright…not so good, but stranger loans have been approved. Question #3: What would you use the money for? Answer: Um, its for, um, an operation... Question #4: What kind of operatio..ohmygosh...[screech]...back up! Then it hits me...she's asking me to finance her breast augmentation! I quick said 'no' to that, and explained an unsecured loan for 3 grand is probably a Visa card, not a loan from my Bank. (I could just see myself taking that loan into Senior Loan Committee for approval…”to the esteemed members of the committee, here we have a loan request for $3,000 to a barely employed woman who would like to “enhance” her physical appearance…”). She gave up on asking me for money and ended up getting her new boobs paid for by grandma, so all is well. Gotta love her persistence….and kinda got to feel sorry for her humiliation, what with having to ask TWO people (at least) for money to pay for her enhancements.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Disneyland - YAY!
We just returned from a magical vacation at Disneyland in California. We stayed in our timeshare in Anaheim right down the street from the Magic Kingdom! It was awesome! The best part of it was, we had a full kitchen, so we didn’t have to eat out three times a day. Being the cheapskates that we are, we brought most of our own food, so we could make big pancake breakfasts to really fill up the kids, so we didn’t have to hear “I’m hungry!” at 9:45 am. We packed our own lunches and smuggled them in, so we didn’t have to buy $14 pretzels, or spend $9 on a can of orange soda. Timeshares are the greatest thing ever! If you have ever wanted to buy one, e-mail me, and I will sell you mine. You’ll never regret it….I promise…
Of course, our oldest daughter had been preparing for the Mad Hatter Teacups for months, and she took the first opportunity she had to ride them. I took the first opportunity I had to hold the baby while my wife and oldest daughter tried to make themselves throw up on the teacups ride. Since the teacups ride is a very popular ride, and the estimated wait time for the line was about 2 days, I had a lot of time to “people watch.” Its one of my favorite pastimes. Here are some observations from Disneyland.
First, I’m sorry to say this, America, but a great percentage of you really need to go on The Biggest Loser…and that pile of cheezy nachos at 8:15 in the morning is not helping! Even though you might feel okay about drinking 64 ounces of Diet Coke, it doesn’t counteract the other 9,000 calories you consume each day.
Second, as predicted, I did see a group of Japanese girls with white masks on to protect themselves from Swine Flu.
Third, I must be one of the last ten people in the nation, under the age of 40, without some kind of visible tattoo on my legs, arms, back, chest, shoulders, neck, or head. Is it just me, or is it some kind of rite of passage for every teenager to get ink done? They know its going to be there forever, right? Like for-ev-er? And once you kids stretch your earlobes into the size of soup cans, they’re never going back to the way God intended them, you know that right? I’ve always kind of wondered what’s going to happen when these little tattoo billboards turn 80 and wake up one day and decide they really don’t want a panoramic of a medieval wedding tattooed on their arm like a sleeve. We shall see. Is it just me, or is it a fact that once you have something tattooed on your neck, head, or face, you have pretty much determined that you will not work in an office, ever, at any point in your life?
While waiting in the 40 minute line to ride the Atlantis submarine ride, one especially prominent tattooed character was alternating back and forth with us. Every few feet of the serpentine, I had a perfect chance to inspect all of the wicked and horrible images he had displayed all over his body, neck, and head. He even had a full grill made entirely out of gold. I try not to be stereotypical, but I couldn’t help wondering how many knife fights this guy had been in. Undoubtedly, one more than I have been in. I wondered if he had ever gone to jail (actually, I wondered how long he had been in prison, but I’m trying to be good). Then, when the waiting ended and it was time to ride, the Disneyland “cast member” wanted to stuff me down this tiny hole into a cramped, tiny submarine…with my tattooed friend with the golden teeth. Um, I’m sorry, but even though this is supposed to be the happiest place on earth, I just can’t put my children in that kind of danger.
I want to be clear…I have absolutely nothing against a tastefully placed, properly discreet tattoo, but, being a non-tattooed person, I probably don’t understand it all…so if you have a tattoo, feel free to help me out. How do you decide what design to get and how do you know where to place it? I really can’t think of any shapes I like so much that I would want to make them a part of my body for the rest of my life, but that’s just me. Have you ever gotten a tattoo and then regretted it later? How did you decide what to get? Do you remember getting one, or did you just wake up with a painful burning sensation on your upper arm?
Oh, and for the record, a big, huge pancake breakfast for the kids, plus a ride on the Mad Hatter Teacups first thing in the morning equals a very bad idea…
Of course, our oldest daughter had been preparing for the Mad Hatter Teacups for months, and she took the first opportunity she had to ride them. I took the first opportunity I had to hold the baby while my wife and oldest daughter tried to make themselves throw up on the teacups ride. Since the teacups ride is a very popular ride, and the estimated wait time for the line was about 2 days, I had a lot of time to “people watch.” Its one of my favorite pastimes. Here are some observations from Disneyland.
First, I’m sorry to say this, America, but a great percentage of you really need to go on The Biggest Loser…and that pile of cheezy nachos at 8:15 in the morning is not helping! Even though you might feel okay about drinking 64 ounces of Diet Coke, it doesn’t counteract the other 9,000 calories you consume each day.
Second, as predicted, I did see a group of Japanese girls with white masks on to protect themselves from Swine Flu.
Third, I must be one of the last ten people in the nation, under the age of 40, without some kind of visible tattoo on my legs, arms, back, chest, shoulders, neck, or head. Is it just me, or is it some kind of rite of passage for every teenager to get ink done? They know its going to be there forever, right? Like for-ev-er? And once you kids stretch your earlobes into the size of soup cans, they’re never going back to the way God intended them, you know that right? I’ve always kind of wondered what’s going to happen when these little tattoo billboards turn 80 and wake up one day and decide they really don’t want a panoramic of a medieval wedding tattooed on their arm like a sleeve. We shall see. Is it just me, or is it a fact that once you have something tattooed on your neck, head, or face, you have pretty much determined that you will not work in an office, ever, at any point in your life?
While waiting in the 40 minute line to ride the Atlantis submarine ride, one especially prominent tattooed character was alternating back and forth with us. Every few feet of the serpentine, I had a perfect chance to inspect all of the wicked and horrible images he had displayed all over his body, neck, and head. He even had a full grill made entirely out of gold. I try not to be stereotypical, but I couldn’t help wondering how many knife fights this guy had been in. Undoubtedly, one more than I have been in. I wondered if he had ever gone to jail (actually, I wondered how long he had been in prison, but I’m trying to be good). Then, when the waiting ended and it was time to ride, the Disneyland “cast member” wanted to stuff me down this tiny hole into a cramped, tiny submarine…with my tattooed friend with the golden teeth. Um, I’m sorry, but even though this is supposed to be the happiest place on earth, I just can’t put my children in that kind of danger.
I want to be clear…I have absolutely nothing against a tastefully placed, properly discreet tattoo, but, being a non-tattooed person, I probably don’t understand it all…so if you have a tattoo, feel free to help me out. How do you decide what design to get and how do you know where to place it? I really can’t think of any shapes I like so much that I would want to make them a part of my body for the rest of my life, but that’s just me. Have you ever gotten a tattoo and then regretted it later? How did you decide what to get? Do you remember getting one, or did you just wake up with a painful burning sensation on your upper arm?
Oh, and for the record, a big, huge pancake breakfast for the kids, plus a ride on the Mad Hatter Teacups first thing in the morning equals a very bad idea…
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